How Great Thou Art

Deuteronomy 4:9 I was a hot mess in church today.

It’s been a while. It used to happen almost every Sunday. I would stand there during worship and just move my lips to the words and sob. I was hardly able to utter a sound because my heart was fragile.

It didn’t take much to send me over the edge: songs, verses, flashbacks, memories.  One minute I would be fine and the next minute not at all. Sometimes the tears stopped as quickly as they started. Other times, they poured and poured.

It mostly happened on the second pew in church on Sunday’s and on Thursday’s on the couch in my counselor’s office. Both eventually became the safe places where I was able to get in touch with those tender places with Jesus and receive healing.

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Washed White As Snow

Though your sins are scarlet , you will make them as white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 NLT

I sat at my desk by the window, and opened my laptop.  Instead of typing anything, I just stared at the blank page and the blanket of snow outside.  The snowflakes were dancing to the song “Like An Avalanche” by Hillsong.  With a single candle burning, I paused in that moment to Thank Him for His grace. I thanked Him for taking my blood red sins and making them white as snow.

I never thought it would be possible.

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Emmanuel – God With Us

Emmanuel - God With Us

The sweet scent of cinnamon and sugar mixed with Christmas music filled the kitchen. I was joyfully singing along to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the window. Just as I was cracking the egg, my voice cracked, and my heart broke as tears spilled into sink.  
 
I stood there peeling egg after egg. Breaking them and pulling back the hard shell.
Remembering.  
 
Sometimes in the midst of such joy and happiness, pain can rush in like a hard punch. 
 
Especially during the holidays, grief and joy mingle and intertwine like the red and white of a candy cane.  
 
A song, a smell, decorations, or a show can send unexpected waves of emotion.
 
Tears spill with questions, old and new. 
 
Why? 
 
What if? 
 
Breathe.  
 
Look around. Smell the candle. See the twinkling lights. Hear the laughter and the music. Move.  
 
In the grounding, the wound that bubbled up and festered out of nowhere simmers down a bit.  
 
The light shines through the tears and brings the moment into focus.  
 
Not alone.  
 
The little girl of inside of me is here amid the festivities. She’s safe. She’s not always festive and bubbly but she’s present. Out in the open. In the light. In the truth.  
 
She enters the fullness of the celebration mended… and broken.
 
And here… 
 
She’s welcome. She doesn’t have to hide anymore. She’s no longer numb. No longer frozen. No more fake smiles and empty eyes. 
 
She’s standing holding broken eggs, teary eyed and gazing beyond the kitchen window.  
 
And she’s going to be okay.  She’s breathing in new seasons with fresh eyes. Making new memories and even remembering the good. 
She is loved. 
Emmanuel - God With Us
She’s with me.  
He’s with me. 
Emmanuel – God with us.  

 I will escort the blind down roads they do not know,
        guide them down paths they’ve never seen.
    I will smooth their passage and light their way.
        I will indeed do it—they are abandoned no more.

A Daughter’s Dream, A Mother’s Prayer

Prayer

Something changed in me the day I stood in the sterile cold surroundings of the trauma unit with a bright light shining on my daughter.  To be honest, something changed in all of us. Trauma changes things, good and bad. It’s ripple effects are far-reaching.

My heart cried wordless groans for nearly two hours, the longest two hours of my life. I will never forget the joy I felt when she finally opened her eyes and spoke clearly for a cup of water. I was thirsty too, but it was a desperate thirst for prayer, hope, and healing.

What made me feel absolutely powerless, pointed me to the absolute greatest power.  

When I knew I had no control, I leaned heavily on the One who Is in control.  

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