I was a hot mess in church today.
It’s been a while. It used to happen almost every Sunday. I would stand there during worship and just move my lips to the words and sob. I was hardly able to utter a sound because my heart was fragile.
It didn’t take much to send me over the edge: songs, verses, flashbacks, memories. One minute I would be fine and the next minute not at all. Sometimes the tears stopped as quickly as they started. Other times, they poured and poured.
It mostly happened on the second pew in church on Sunday’s and on Thursday’s on the couch in my counselor’s office. Both eventually became the safe places where I was able to get in touch with those tender places with Jesus and receive healing.
I sat at my desk by the window, and opened my laptop. Instead of typing anything, I just stared at the blank page and the blanket of snow outside. The snowflakes were dancing to the song “Like An Avalanche” by Hillsong. With a single candle burning, I paused in that moment to Thank Him for His grace. I thanked Him for taking my blood red sins and making them white as snow.
I never thought it would be possible.
My word for 2016 is KNOW, as in be still and Know that He is God.
I wanted to spend time in the Word studying His character and His attributes. I studied, but it feels like I spent most of this year in a classroom or lab learning these truths hands-on. When I was absolutely terrified, overwhelmed and so very sad, I was reminded to Be Still and Know. I had to learn to just let go, and completely depend on Him and trust Him.
That’s not easy for this type A, control freak, and take charge kinda girl.
I know He knew what I would face in 2016, and through it all, I am thankful that I had this gentle reminder to focus on… “Be Still and Know that I am God.”
For the month of December, I’ve been doing the Names of God Bible Reading Challenge with Rachel Wojo. It has been powerful to focus on these names, and to let them sink deep not only into my heart but also into the heart of the little girl inside of me.
Something changed in me the day I stood in the sterile cold surroundings of the trauma unit with a bright light shining on my daughter. To be honest, something changed in all of us. Trauma changes things, good and bad. It’s ripple effects are far-reaching.
My heart cried wordless groans for nearly two hours, the longest two hours of my life. I will never forget the joy I felt when she finally opened her eyes and spoke clearly for a cup of water. I was thirsty too, but it was a desperate thirst for prayer, hope, and healing.
What made me feel absolutely powerless, pointed me to the absolute greatest power.
When I knew I had no control, I leaned heavily on the One who Is in control.