30 Days of Truth: Remain in my love.

Truth 27: Remain in my love.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. John 15:9 NIV 

I felt like there were two of us.

Me and the wounded little girl inside of me.

Most of the time she was very quiet, unless she was terrified, paranoid, or anxious.  Then she was like a neon noisy panic button in my body.

In therapy, I started to acknowledge our pain. I desperately needed to get well, but I couldn’t do it without her.

We needed each other. We had to connect and work together.

At first, I was disgusted with her and could hardly stand to look at old pictures.  All I could see was shame and filth.

I tried drawing her several times, but she always appeared older. I could never make her small enough or innocent enough or young enough.

I kept her picture on my phone, and on my desktop.

Over time, her image brought me to tears instead of filling me with shame.  Eventually, I was able to grasp the truth: she was small, young, and innocent. Period.

She was also strong, resilient, and courageous.

I remember the night it all came full circle.

This was our night. Just us.  A time to be still and worship.

I was thinking about being the Beloved.

Every time you listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls you the Beloved, you will discover within yourself a desire to hear that voice longer and more deeply. It is like discovering a well in the desert.  Once you have touched wet ground, you will want to dig deeper. ~ Henri Nouwen [Life of the Beloved]

I decided to paint.  As I painted, I realized how much I loved her, and I was very proud of her.  It was a process and it took time.  I knew God loved me and I believed it, but it was still hard for her. She still struggled at times.

I wanted her to believe it, to experience it and to know.

She was me, and I wanted all of me to be loved.

When we walked back into the sanctuary, this beautiful angelic voice was on stage singing my song, “He loves us, Oh how, He loves us.”  I sang along quietly believing it for her and myself.

And then, the song changed to “Jesus loves me… this I know.” It was for her! The little girl in me. I could barely move my lips.

She was me.

She was loved.

We were one, and we were loved.

He loves us. Oh, how He loves us.

I have loved you just as the Father has loved Me; remain in My love [and do not doubt My love for you]. John 15:9 AMP

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