I blew it! Again.

Journal

I blew it! Again.

I didn’t make any New Years Resolutions this year.  Not one. I picked my word for the year {NEW} and wanted to just focus on Jesus and all of the ways He is making me new.  I bought a pretty journal (again) and my goal was to write.  It lasted nine days and I even missed some of those days.  So today, I see it sitting on my desk and I feel so defeated.

Here it is, February 17 the day before Lent.  The white frigid ground makes for a quiet and slow morning.  I am in bed with a cold, reading about Lent.  I’ve never participated in Lent so I googled it and found this sentence from The Upper Room –   Lent 101:

Lent is a season of the Christian Year where Christians focus on simple living, prayer, and fasting in order to grow closer to God.

I knew God was calling me to do this,  and yet I kept seeing that journal on my desk reminding me of my weaknesses.  It would be easy to just add it to the pile of other half empty journals and start over – AGAIN.

Lent? Fast?  … God, I barely made it 9 days writing!   So much has happened and I didn’t even write about it.  How can I participate in Lent when I can’t even do that?

What if I fail?

I sat there in defeat for a few moments and stared at that journal, and then I finally picked it up, and let pink ink flow on the pages.  What started with “Boy, have I failed!” turned into, “Lord I am facing it.  I am getting back up and I am trying again.  I am not giving up.  Please help me.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me, but I know that it is important and I want to do it, in your strength.”

He knows I am a list checker.  This isn’t about a list.  This is about a LOVE, a LOVE that has changed everything in my life.  He wants me to come to him and record my thoughts and prayers because He knows I will look back and see His hand at work.  It’s not about the big fat check mark I can put in the box that says YES, I wrote in my journal today.  It’s about the cleansing and hope that bleeds out between the lines, leaving a trail that leads me directly to His throne.  

God, How do I miss it?

All of this heart searching gave me the courage and faith to move forward with Lent.  I didn’t want to simply because I thought I would fail.  How will I ever make it?  I blew it in 9 days and now we are talking 40!

As I continued to write I realized,  I may very well fail at Lent.  I may not write everyday in my journal.  I may forget to pray.  I may miss a day of my bible reading plan.

But guess what?? I am not going to let that stop me.

God STILL loves me.  He still LOVES me.  He still loves ME!  

He is not giving up on me, and He is not giving up on you either.

Just think—you don’t need a thing, you’ve got it all! All God’s gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.  1 Corinthians 1:7-9 (MSG)

What would please Him more?  Me staring at a journal and feeling defeated, or me picking it up and writing.  Giving up, or persevering?

But the seed in the good earth—these are the good-hearts who seize the Word and hold on no matter what, sticking with it until there’s a harvest.  Luke 8:15 (MSG)

Stick With It. 

Journaling is today’s struggle. Tomorrow will bring a new struggle, and He will still love me.

As I prayed about Lent, two words came to mind.

Coffee & Dessert

Coffee and dessert.

Trust me, I did not pick nor want those two words.  I immediately thought, defeat is already on the horizon!  I am an emotional eater.  Coffee lifts me and desserts fill me.  It has been a life long struggle to stuff the empty places.

Lord, I will try, but this is 40 days!

He whispers to my heart…

It’s ok, just try.  When you are low, come to me.  When you are empty, come to me.  I am enough.  If you fall, get back up again.  Just don’t give up.  Keep going.

It’s now day 3, and I am following along with She Reads Truth Lent series, “Jesus, Keep Me Near The Cross” and I am excited.

Just yesterday, my youngest ran into my office and said, “Mom, why do you do this every time you see me?”  He proceeded to make the most precious face and with a big smile he extended his arms with his hands opening and closing.  I snapped the picture because it was priceless.

I looked at the picture and imagined the joy the Lord must feel when we run to him.  His warm smile, arms extended, hands opening, beckoning us to come to Him.

Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28 

What about you?  What is holding you back?  Maybe it is memorizing scripture, reading your Bible daily, quiet time, or perhaps it’s journaling. Maybe it’s Lent. What have you put down because you are simply afraid you will fail?

Pick it up.   Don’t be afraid.  Maybe you will blow it.  If you do, pick it up and try again.  God loves you and He is not giving up on you!

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.  Galatians 6:9-10 (MSG) 

But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit.  So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child!  Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed.  As you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.  Psalm 86:15-17 (MSG)

Linking up with Kelly Balarie
purposefulfaith.com

Jennifer Dukes Lee

 & Meredith Bernard

& Bonnie Gray

Beloved Brews Linkup

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28 thoughts on “I blew it! Again.

  1. Love this post!! Thank you Michelle…for reminding us its okay to blow it again…and again…as long as we keep going. We will blow it and its okay…if we keep our focus on Him. Thank you!

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  2. This really gives me hope, Michelle. He still loves us! No matter what! I, too, have such good intentions to write more of my thoughts in my journal, but I don’t as often as I’d like. I’m going to try to see if this will motivate me more than telling myself I have to… “It’s about the cleansing and hope that bleeds out between the lines, leaving a trail that leads me directly to His throne.” I love how you put this. I really have found that to be true. The hardest part is getting started. I feel too defeated if I tell myself I “should” do it every day. I’m trying to be more gentle with myself, but it’s not always working. Thank you for encouraging me today!

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    1. Trudy, yes! The getting started is always the hardest part, and I think giving myself grace is really making it better. Changing the voice from “you blew it” to “try again tomorrow” changes everything! Gentle helps for sure and I am thankful you were encouraged! Keep writing your beautiful words!

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  3. Sweet sister happy to be visiting you from the #raralinkup. I’m rejoicing that you’ve freed yourself and have given yourself permission to dust off and try again. I tap my mug to yours and salute you for trying again. Cheers!

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  4. Oh I love this! His Grace… oh how we forget about His Grace! I, too, am new to Lent! This is my second year and as much as I love coffee and dessert, I sometimes wish He would call me to something more tangible (because I also fear failing and not doing this ‘right’!) Leaning in with you! You can do this! Stopping by from W2W over at Meredith’s place!

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    1. Karrilee,
      Thank you for stopping by and for your encouragement! Yes, how do we forget about His amazing grace?! This season of lent has really challenged me to not give up and to be ever mindful of His grace! I am leaning in with you and giving thanks with you! By the way, your blog is beautiful! Happy to connect with you!!

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  5. Michelle, thank you for encouraging all of us by sharing the struggle you are having. Been there, sister. I’ve had my victories–more often my defeats. But I am so thankful that no matter what I do or don’t do, the Lord is always there, helping me up again. Praying for your journey. May you grow ever closer to Him as He draws you nearer. Blessings!

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    1. Thank you Sabra for your prayers and your kind words! I love the reminder that He is always there, helping us up again! If I can just focus on that maybe the fear of failing wouldn’t be so great after all! Trying is important too, but it really can be such a struggle! I am thankful for you!

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  6. I love it how you returned to your journal – praise God for your desire to come to Him and know Him more, no matter how hard it seems. Thank you for sharing your heart!

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    1. Thank you Ruth for stopping by and yes! Praise God for wooing our hearts to Him! It is a beautiful picture of His love for us! Blessings to you!!

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    1. “Come to Me, He gently whispers” – thank you, Sheila for stopping by and yes, beautiful words to reflect on year round! What a lovely invitation to remember!

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  7. Isn’t great that He loves us no matter what? What a great picture of how He must look when we come to Him!! I was inspired by this today. God is real in our lives!! 🙂 (Visiting from Meredith’s W2W)

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    1. Yes, His love is amazing, and I love it when he speaks to our hearts! My son keeps doing it now, and I keep smiling. I am so glad you stopped by!

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  8. This was beautiful, Michelle. I re-blogged it.
    I am not giving up. In fact, the “fire” in Kenzelsfire belongs to God. I am going to learn Scrivener and continue/finish my memoir.

    And keep writing in that journal!!
    Be Blessed,
    -Kenzel

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    1. Kenzel,

      Thank you so very much sharing this post!! Yes, the fire belongs to him and you have inspired me! I have not opened Scrivener in a while and words are there waiting to be finished too. Thank you for the gentle reminder to press on there as well as in the journal! I am glad to connect with you! Keep writing, and let the fire shine bright! God bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. “This isn’t about a list. This is about a LOVE” I love these words, and your post has challenged me to consider what God wants from me & be courageous enough to give it to Him! #RaRaLinkup

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    1. Katy,
      I am so thankful you stopped by and I am glad this spoke to your heart! You are brave and you can do it – by His help and His grace. There are so many lessons along the way as we look to Him to embrace His love and the freedom that comes with it!! Blessings to you!!

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