Lord, when will I get to the end of me?
I am offended! It is not even my fault! I didn’t do anything wrong. This is not fair! I am devastated. Woe is me!
Have you ever said or felt these things? I have recently. I was in a content yet exhausted place, and one glance at Facebook sent me into the land of the offended. The wronged. The judged. The misunderstood. The brokenhearted. The wounded. It took me back to the wound.
The next morning I carried this wounded and heavy heart into church with me and was thankful to be in the nursery. While I waited for babies to arrive, I opened the Bible to Psalms and began reading and when I came to this verse I marked it, drew a heart, and then high-fived David thinking YES! This is the TRUTH! The cry of my heart to you God!
I am forced to restore what I did not steal.
No babies came so I continued to read from about Psalm 60-80, and I marked many words. These are words that would pour peroxide into the wound and as it would fester I would cry out – YES! I was digging into my wounds with David’s words as I didn’t have the vocabulary or the courage to say things to God like “Hey, this is how I see it. This is what it looks like to me. This is how it feels. Don’t you see how this hurts me God? Help!!!”
Then we went into the worship service and sang Oceans by Hillsong, “Spirit, lead me where my God trust is without borders”. Borders. Wounds come with borders, padlocks, and no trespassing signs. Wounds cause infection and harm elsewhere. The next song was called “Enough” and it was written by Derrick Hester, our worship leader. It was our first time hearing it… It was a song about Jesus being enough, and because He is enough we can lay down our cares and our troubles. We have to lay it all down including our struggles and our pride. This song resonated with me because it wasn’t about works, it was about surrender and trust… giving it all to him because He is enough. Wounds need treatment, and He is the great physician. It was powerful, and the music was lifting me.
At a special prayer time, my husband took my hand and the kids and led us to the altar to pray as a family. I followed and prayed with Him. The message was encouraging and there was a lot of energy and excitement in the room. I thought to myself, “how can just one glance at Facebook send me to such a heavy place?”
~is it just me?~
Lord, lift me up…. and he did!
As I walked to the parking lot, I glanced at my phone and a dear friend had snapped this picture and sent it to me: In the most tender, gentle whisper I hear my heart take in these words….
“don’t miss this…. I know you are hurting and I hear you cry. I see your invisible tears, and I hear your inaudible sobs. I know you are pressed hard, but you are not crushed (2 Corinthians 4:8). The weights that press on you are no match for me. You only feel the pressure, but I have you covered. You are under my wings, and I am your refuge and your shield. (Psalm 91:4) …. and I have always covered you.
Don’t miss this! Don’t let distractions take your focus off of me.
Surrender … surrender to me your hurts and your wants. Surrender your wounds. Give me full access. Trust and know that I have covered you this far and I will continue.”
Lord, where is the end of me? How do I miss the ways you show your love for me? How often am I so caught up in discouragement that I miss the way you show up for me? Like today… in the flesh of my husband gently taking my hand and leading me to a quiet place at the altar to begin with you.
Help me to remember.
I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. Psalm 143:5
When fear wells up – Help me to begin with you.
When despair is near – Help me to begin with you.
When I am thirsty in a dry land – Help me to begin with you.
Get me to the end of me, so that I can begin with you.
Revelation 21:6 “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the End. To the thirsty, I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.”
Begin. With. Him.
Pray, Pause, & Reflect:
What do you do when you find yourself discouraged?
How do you remember the ways he has covered you?
Where can you begin with Him?
~Linking up with Faith Barista and the writing prompt is Wounded.~