Yesterday at lunch, I opened my fortune cookie and it said:
It was a statement that made me pause.
“You never show your vulnerability”
Thursday in therapy – I mentioned how sometimes I don’t know how to respond or react. I even said I feel like I am lying if I respond, “I’m good – how are you doing?” yet, how do I respond truthfully? Especially when all I have ever tried to do is appear okay – when inside I was anything but okay.
“You are always self-assured and confident”
So. Not. True. at least not on the inside. How can what’s projected be so different from what is within? It’s all I’ve ever known to do. Hold it together, fearing one small fray will rip apart all of the seams.
Maybe part of me discovering how to be vulnerable, is losing the “I’m okay – all is good” message. Deactivating Facebook helped me tremendously in this area. When I quit back in September for six weeks, I never thought I would even make it to the six-week mark. I’ve yet to return. I’m not even sure how to return, or if I will return.
Somehow it all connects for me and that fortune spelled it out. Showing my vulnerability begins when I find my confidence and my self-assurance in Christ, and not in myself.
Not what can I do, but what He can do through me.
Not what I need to fear, but Who I need to trust.
Not patting myself on the back, but praising Him in everything.
Not what I can control, but releasing that grip and opening up my hands to trust Him.
Not worrying about what others think of me, but knowing what HE thinks of me and that being enough, more than enough.
Not thinking “what if?”, but “what next?” knowing that nothing is a surprise to Him.
I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to inhale the surrender as I exhale the control.
I’m letting go of power, and it’s making me stronger.
Maybe I am discovering freedom in weakness.
Maybe being vulnerable for me right now is more like the flower to the left, where the petals that have protected are gently being peeled back, slowly opening, meeting His grace every step of the way.