Something changed in me the day I stood in the sterile cold surroundings of the trauma unit with a bright light shining on my daughter. To be honest, something changed in all of us. Trauma changes things, good and bad. It’s ripple effects are far-reaching.
My heart cried wordless groans for nearly two hours, the longest two hours of my life. I will never forget the joy I felt when she finally opened her eyes and spoke clearly for a cup of water. I was thirsty too, but it was a desperate thirst for prayer, hope, and healing.
What made me feel absolutely powerless, pointed me to the absolute greatest power.
When I knew I had no control, I leaned heavily on the One who Is in control.
All along my journey, there have been times where I simply wanted to quit and give up.
I have balled up my fists and with clenched teeth sputtered, “What is the point?”
It often happens when I am in position to do the next thing, and right before I move to take the next step, a strong wind of defeat and disillusionment will blow in and send me reeling in doubt.
Have you ever been there?
What if what you said you’d never do ended up opening the doors to healing, light, truth, and freedom?
I was headed to my very first counseling session in an absolute panic because I didn’t even want to answer the pre-counseling questions to explain why I was seeking counseling in the first place. I did not want to talk. I walked into her room and sat at the far end of the couch, with my hands fidgeting in my lap and my head down. I was so afraid, I was numb. I am not sure if I was visibly shaking, but I was shaking all over inside.
I told her I needed to be sure it was safe and that everything would be kept confidential. I let her know that I needed to heal as quickly as possible, and I would never want anyone else to know. I never planned to tell my husband or anyone else for that matter that I had been sexually abused as a child.
Recently I bought my daughter a little red bag to use as a makeup bag in the future.
This morning when I saw the bag, I thought it could serve another purpose. I could fill it with feminine products for her so she will have what she needs when the time comes. I wanted to make sure she was ready and prepared. It sounded like such a great idea, until big crocodile tears rolled down my cheeks as I was applying mascara…