He started knocking. It was a gentle consistent tap and I almost missed it because I was busy tidying up again. I was pulling back the curtains to let in some light when I saw his shadow on the porch. The door opened to a big grin and a long hug. I was really looking forward to our visit. As we made our way to the swing on the front porch I looked straight ahead and admired the beautiful scenery. As the swing swayed back and forth, my eyes followed the birds and the butterflies visiting the flowers and the large solid trees.
It started to get cooler so I invited him in. I was excited to show him how hard I had been working. The house had really cleaned up well. There were lists that were checked off every day – and there was nothing that gave me more pleasure than sliding that pencil lead across that page acknowledging complete! Every check made it all seem better – it was cleaner, brighter, and even shinier! The chores kept me busy, but they also kept me focused. He understood it was hard for me when I was quiet and still. I felt like he wanted me to work hard and that everything had to be “just right”. He continued to follow me around as I showed him all of the great things I was doing, but he didn’t seem all that impressed.
As I would point to what I had just completed or what project I had in mind next, I noticed he kept gazing towards the tightly drawn drapes that covered the boarded up windows along the back of the house. The more I tried to pull his focus away the more intently he looked and eventually started walking to the door that was tightly nailed shut.
Something changed in me the day I stood in the sterile cold surroundings of the trauma unit with a bright light shining on my daughter. To be honest, something changed in all of us. Trauma changes things, good and bad. It’s ripple effects are far-reaching.
My heart cried wordless groans for nearly two hours, the longest two hours of my life. I will never forget the joy I felt when she finally opened her eyes and spoke clearly for a cup of water. I was thirsty too, but it was a desperate thirst for prayer, hope, and healing.
What made me feel absolutely powerless, pointed me to the absolute greatest power.
When I knew I had no control, I leaned heavily on the One who Is in control.
All along my journey, there have been times where I simply wanted to quit and give up.
I have balled up my fists and with clenched teeth sputtered, “What is the point?”
It often happens when I am in position to do the next thing, and right before I move to take the next step, a strong wind of defeat and disillusionment will blow in and send me reeling in doubt.
Have you ever been there?
What if what you said you’d never do ended up opening the doors to healing, light, truth, and freedom?
I was headed to my very first counseling session in an absolute panic because I didn’t even want to answer the pre-counseling questions to explain why I was seeking counseling in the first place. I did not want to talk. I walked into her room and sat at the far end of the couch, with my hands fidgeting in my lap and my head down. I was so afraid, I was numb. I am not sure if I was visibly shaking, but I was shaking all over inside.
I told her I needed to be sure it was safe and that everything would be kept confidential. I let her know that I needed to heal as quickly as possible, and I would never want anyone else to know. I never planned to tell my husband or anyone else for that matter that I had been sexually abused as a child.